A lot of people don't realize how adoption effects a child. Everyone thinks it should be only a happy occasion. This child is gaining a family, they're being "saved" from a life in the orphanage, and they should be happy. They are happy, but you have to take into consideration also that this child is losing a lot too. They are losing any hopes they may hold of reuniting with their birth families, losing ties to extended family; brothers & sisters, their country, their language, and the "normal" they are accustomed to. Change is never easy, even if it's good change. We're asking Daniel to trust us, people he hardly knows. Trust that we will take care of him, that we will provide for him, and to love him & not harm him. That's a lot to ask of a 15yo boy that has spent most of his life let down by those who were supposed to love him, his own birth family.
We are lucky to have been able to communicate with Daniel a lot over the last year and a half. Even though it's just been weekly phone calls, we have been able to get to know him & he us. That has made our adjustment a lot easier than we have seen with some of our other friends that have adopted older children. Easier, but not easy. I often tell people that this is the hardest, best thing I've ever done. It's hard to understand if you haven't been through an adoption before. It is a complex mixture of emotions. I am so happy to have Daniel joining our family. I know ultimately we, with God's help, will be able to offer him a life of love and acceptance that he's never had before. We will be able to offer him so many more opportunities in the US than he would ever have here. It's also sad, though.
We had our 1st rough spot last night. I think that's pretty good since he's been with us for over a week now. The 1st few days here he'd let the girls make him over, he experimented with his hair style, and enjoyed his new clothes. The last few days, though, he's gone back to his normal hair style, just combed down straight over his forehead. I think mostly because he's had to wear a hat because it's cold outside & why waste time on your hair when it's just going to get messed up anyway. His hair looks really good, the way it's cut, to part it to his right. So, I catch myself (probably like a lot of mothers) reaching up and brushing his hair to the side with my hand. He usually just smiles at me, says something playful, & it eventually goes back to how he had it before. But not last night. I brushed his hair over to the side with my hand & he angrily brushed it back down saying, "I no like." Hope told him it looks better brushed to the side. Then she said something that pushed him over the edge. She didn't mean it in a bad way, but I think it just hit him the wrong way and at the wrong time. As she tried to brush it back over to the side she said, "When we get to America, this is how you need to wear your hair." Then he yelled, "I not in America, we in Ukraine!" In that moment it struck me how hard this has to be on him and it broke my heart. We've had so much fun this last week and he has seemed so eager to jump right in that I haven't taken the time maybe I should have to contemplate what all must be going through his mind. Every site we go see, is he thinking, "Will I ever see this again?"
After returning to Kiev, we all split up for dinner. Bill & the girls wanted something fast food and Daniel & I wanted Ukrainian food. It had been cold all day and a bowl of borsch sounded wonderful to me. It's just he & I at dinner and it's a little quiet as we're both lost in our thoughts. Then he burps (something I hate to say that Bill & the girls have encouraged). He laughs and says, "It wasn't Daniel, it was Oleg." He has been adamant about not using that name, he doesn't even want it as his middle name.This was the 1st time I had heard him refer to himself as Oleg since he's been with us. Even when he's telling us stories from the past he'll say, so & so said Daniel, I mean Oleg. At this moment it hits me, the struggle he's going through; leaving Oleg behind and becoming Daniel, and I began to cry. Let me tell you, it is horrible not being able to communicate about what's going on. I'm crying, Daniel's a little freaked out asking if I'm okay, and there is no way to tell him. Bless him, he had to wait until we returned to the apartment so we could sit down with Google Translate. I reassured him that he had done nothing to hurt my feelings, he didn't "make" me cry. The last thing I want is for him to feel like he can't talk to me about problems because I may break down in tears. I explained (as best you can through Google Translate) that Mom's love their children so much that when they see their children in pain, we feel it too. I told him I could tell that he was struggling with some emotions and that it's okay to be happy and sad about being adopted, that me, Dad, and his sisters will be here for him no matter what, and we love him unconditionally. He told me he loves us very much too and he seemed to feel much better.
I know this will not be the end, he will struggle for a long while with conflicting emotions. But he will not be alone, he will now have a family who loves him and will weather the storms with him. I hope in time he grows to trust us, he can begin to heal from his past, and move on to be the wonderful young man I see in him.
We are lucky to have been able to communicate with Daniel a lot over the last year and a half. Even though it's just been weekly phone calls, we have been able to get to know him & he us. That has made our adjustment a lot easier than we have seen with some of our other friends that have adopted older children. Easier, but not easy. I often tell people that this is the hardest, best thing I've ever done. It's hard to understand if you haven't been through an adoption before. It is a complex mixture of emotions. I am so happy to have Daniel joining our family. I know ultimately we, with God's help, will be able to offer him a life of love and acceptance that he's never had before. We will be able to offer him so many more opportunities in the US than he would ever have here. It's also sad, though.
We had our 1st rough spot last night. I think that's pretty good since he's been with us for over a week now. The 1st few days here he'd let the girls make him over, he experimented with his hair style, and enjoyed his new clothes. The last few days, though, he's gone back to his normal hair style, just combed down straight over his forehead. I think mostly because he's had to wear a hat because it's cold outside & why waste time on your hair when it's just going to get messed up anyway. His hair looks really good, the way it's cut, to part it to his right. So, I catch myself (probably like a lot of mothers) reaching up and brushing his hair to the side with my hand. He usually just smiles at me, says something playful, & it eventually goes back to how he had it before. But not last night. I brushed his hair over to the side with my hand & he angrily brushed it back down saying, "I no like." Hope told him it looks better brushed to the side. Then she said something that pushed him over the edge. She didn't mean it in a bad way, but I think it just hit him the wrong way and at the wrong time. As she tried to brush it back over to the side she said, "When we get to America, this is how you need to wear your hair." Then he yelled, "I not in America, we in Ukraine!" In that moment it struck me how hard this has to be on him and it broke my heart. We've had so much fun this last week and he has seemed so eager to jump right in that I haven't taken the time maybe I should have to contemplate what all must be going through his mind. Every site we go see, is he thinking, "Will I ever see this again?"
After returning to Kiev, we all split up for dinner. Bill & the girls wanted something fast food and Daniel & I wanted Ukrainian food. It had been cold all day and a bowl of borsch sounded wonderful to me. It's just he & I at dinner and it's a little quiet as we're both lost in our thoughts. Then he burps (something I hate to say that Bill & the girls have encouraged). He laughs and says, "It wasn't Daniel, it was Oleg." He has been adamant about not using that name, he doesn't even want it as his middle name.This was the 1st time I had heard him refer to himself as Oleg since he's been with us. Even when he's telling us stories from the past he'll say, so & so said Daniel, I mean Oleg. At this moment it hits me, the struggle he's going through; leaving Oleg behind and becoming Daniel, and I began to cry. Let me tell you, it is horrible not being able to communicate about what's going on. I'm crying, Daniel's a little freaked out asking if I'm okay, and there is no way to tell him. Bless him, he had to wait until we returned to the apartment so we could sit down with Google Translate. I reassured him that he had done nothing to hurt my feelings, he didn't "make" me cry. The last thing I want is for him to feel like he can't talk to me about problems because I may break down in tears. I explained (as best you can through Google Translate) that Mom's love their children so much that when they see their children in pain, we feel it too. I told him I could tell that he was struggling with some emotions and that it's okay to be happy and sad about being adopted, that me, Dad, and his sisters will be here for him no matter what, and we love him unconditionally. He told me he loves us very much too and he seemed to feel much better.
I know this will not be the end, he will struggle for a long while with conflicting emotions. But he will not be alone, he will now have a family who loves him and will weather the storms with him. I hope in time he grows to trust us, he can begin to heal from his past, and move on to be the wonderful young man I see in him.
