Adoption is Happy & Sad

A lot of people don't realize how adoption effects a child. Everyone thinks it should be only a happy occasion. This child is gaining a family, they're being "saved" from a life in the orphanage, and they should be happy. They are happy, but you have to take into consideration also that this child is losing a lot too. They are losing any hopes they may hold of reuniting with their birth families, losing ties to extended family; brothers & sisters, their country, their language, and the "normal" they are accustomed to. Change is never easy, even if it's good change. We're asking Daniel to trust us, people he hardly knows. Trust that we will take care of him, that we will provide for him, and to love him & not harm him. That's a lot to ask of a 15yo boy that has spent most of his life let down by those who were supposed to love him, his own birth family.

We are lucky to have been able to communicate with Daniel a lot over the last year and a half. Even though it's just been weekly phone calls, we have been able to get to know him & he us. That has made our adjustment a lot easier than we have seen with some of our other friends that have adopted older children. Easier, but not easy. I often tell people that this is the hardest, best thing I've ever done. It's hard to understand if you haven't been through an adoption before. It is a complex mixture of emotions. I am so happy to have Daniel joining our family. I know ultimately we, with God's help, will be able to offer him a life of love and acceptance that he's never had before. We will be able to offer him so many more opportunities in the US than he would ever have here. It's also sad, though.

We had our 1st rough spot last night. I think that's pretty good since he's been with us for over a week now. The 1st few days here he'd let the girls make him over, he experimented with his hair style, and enjoyed his new clothes. The last few days, though, he's gone back to his normal hair style, just combed down straight over his forehead. I think mostly because he's had to wear a hat because it's cold outside & why waste time on your hair when it's just going to get messed up anyway. His hair looks really good, the way it's cut, to part it to his right. So, I catch myself (probably like a lot of mothers) reaching up and brushing his hair to the side with my hand. He usually just smiles at me, says something playful, & it eventually goes back to how he had it before. But not last night. I brushed his hair over to the side with my hand & he angrily brushed it back down saying, "I no like." Hope told him it looks better brushed to the side. Then she said something that pushed him over the edge. She didn't mean it in a bad way, but I think it just hit him the wrong way and at the wrong time. As she tried to brush it back over to the side she said, "When we get to America, this is how you need to wear your hair." Then he yelled, "I not in America, we in Ukraine!" In that moment it struck me how hard this has to be on him and it broke my heart. We've had so much fun this last week and he has seemed so eager to jump right in that I haven't taken the time maybe I should have to contemplate what all must be going through his mind. Every site we go see, is he thinking, "Will I ever see this again?"

After returning to Kiev, we all split up for dinner. Bill & the girls wanted something fast food and Daniel & I wanted Ukrainian food. It had been cold all day and a bowl of borsch sounded wonderful to me. It's just he & I at dinner and it's a little quiet as we're both lost in our thoughts. Then he burps (something I hate to say that Bill & the girls have encouraged). He laughs and says, "It wasn't Daniel, it was Oleg." He has been adamant about not using that name, he doesn't even want it as his middle name.This was the 1st time I had heard him refer to himself as Oleg since he's been with us. Even when he's telling us stories from the past he'll say, so & so said Daniel, I mean Oleg. At this moment it hits me, the struggle he's going through; leaving Oleg behind and becoming Daniel, and I began to cry. Let me tell you, it is horrible not being able to communicate about what's going on. I'm crying, Daniel's a little freaked out asking if I'm okay, and there is no way to tell him. Bless him, he had to wait until we returned to the apartment so we could sit down with Google Translate. I reassured him that he had done nothing to hurt my feelings, he didn't "make" me cry. The last thing I want is for him to feel like he can't talk to me about problems because I may break down in tears. I explained (as best you can through Google Translate) that Mom's love their children so much that when they see their children in pain, we feel it too. I told him I could tell that he was struggling with some emotions and that it's okay to be happy and sad about being adopted, that me, Dad, and his sisters will be here for him no matter what, and we love him unconditionally. He told me he loves us very much too and he seemed to feel much better.

I know this will not be the end, he will struggle for a long while with conflicting emotions. But he will not be alone, he will now have a family who loves him and will weather the storms with him. I hope in time he grows to trust us, he can begin to heal from his past, and move on to be the wonderful young man I see in him.

Becoming Mom & Dad

Daniel has known us as Bill & Kim for so long, we knew it wouldn't change to Mom & Dad over night. He has been referring to us as Mom & Dad for a long time, like, "That's Bill, my dad, and Kim, my mom." Or when he writes to us on Facebook he will address us as Mom & Dad. This is a big deal. I know it's something that can't be rushed. It's something he will have to decide to do on his own. But I'd be lying if I said that I don't long for it.
I have noticed the more time he spends with us, the more times he refers to us as Mom & Dad. Bill asks: "Where is Hope?" Daniel replies: "She's with Mom." or he may say, "Dad went to the market.", but still when speaking TO US it's Bill & Kim.
Until tonight! I don't know what changed, but I was telling him to put on another shirt because it's cold outside. Then he said, "Mom! We only going 2 meters!" It's pretty much been Mom the rest of the night. There have still been a few Kim's here and there, but mostly Mom. I'm trying not to act like it's a big deal. That I'm not just over the moon! But, I have to admit, it's hard to keep the goofy grin off my face right now! And he may go back and forth for a while and that's okay. Like I said, this is a big deal. I want him to decide when he's ready. But for tonight, I'm enjoying being called Mom by 3 children.

Witnessing a Transformation

Daniel has always had a good personality; funny and mischievous, but he's also lacked a lot of confidence. We have noticed on several occasions that he will shrink back, pull his hood over his head, and look down at his feet. NOT ANYMORE! It's amazing what the love of a family and a makeover from your sisters can do! It has been like watching a butterfly come out of it's cocoon. Daniel now walks with his head held high, his shoulders back, and yes-with a little more strut. It's what our girls would call "swagger." It has been an awesome thing to witness and I thank God everyday for bringing Daniel into our lives.

Ukraine is Awesome!

It has been a great 1st week here so far. We have had lots of snow, so that's been great for the girls. We were so worried they wouldn't get to see any. Daniel has been with us since Thursday and we've had lots of fun. I think he enjoys not having a set schedule like at the orphanage. He can pretty much do whatever he wants whenever he wants. He is having to get used to us telling him he can't do certain things, though. At the orphanage he could just say "I'm going out for a walk & I'll be back in a little while," but the orphanage is in a small village where everyone knows everybody. Here in Kiev it's a little different. He wanted to step outside the restaurant after dinner tonight and I had to tell him no. We were visiting with a friend, it was running a little long, & he was getting bored. He said no one would steal him, but I had to say no. It would be like letting your kid stand out on the streets of New York City because Kiev is that large, plus sex-trafficking is one of their biggest problems here. No way I'm letting my son go stand outside on a busy street here by himself. He was a little outdone, but he obeyed & I'm glad.

Our friend, Katya, leaves going back to Odessa tomorrow. She has been such a help to us, we will miss her so much! Thank goodness she is moving to Alabama and we'll be able to see her when we get home. Daniel is worried about her leaving. She has helped so much with communication and I know he's worried about being here alone with no one else speaking Ukrainian. We'll make it through and we'll have some good family bonding time.

He has been breaking the girls in good the last few days on what it's like to have a brother. He has hit them with snow balls, tonight he locked Hayden in the bathroom & shut off the lights, and just basically annoying the mess out them! Lots of laughing, though, and I love hearing that.

We went to a small village today near Brovary to visit Lynn & Patricia Joy. They moved here from England about 8 years ago. They felt God calling them to serve orphans here in Ukraine, so they sold all their belongings and moved here. They currently are fostering 4 children in their home, 3 girls & 1 boy. The youngest girl has severe fetal alcohol syndrome. Her parents would spend their money on vodka rather than milk. Not only did her mother drink during her pregnancy, but she also gave her vodka in her bottle as a baby. She is 9yo, but looks to be more around 5 or 6. She is precious! She is doing wonderfully living with the Joy's. It is truly an awesome thing they are doing for orphans in Ukraine.

Appointment Day!

Our appointment was Wednesday, March 13th @ 10am. Bill & I woke early and got ready to meet Valery down stairs by 9:15. After a quick metro ride to Independence Square, we walked up-hill for what felt like 10 miles. I thought I was going to die before we ever got there! We finally made it and we were even a little early. People who know me will be very impressed by that! The appointment before us ran late, so we didn't actually get called back until around 10:30. I'm not really sure what I thought this appointment would be like. A few people had said it was very stuffy & official, that no one smiled, and it was a little intimidating. I don't know if it's because Bill & I smile so much that those around us feel compelled to smile as well or what, but our meeting was anything but official & stuffy feeling. The lady who had our file understood English, but couldn't speak it well, she was very impressed at the polite conversation we had learned in Russian, and she smiled at us almost the whole appointment! It was very laid back and she only asked us two questions. 1.) How did we meet Oleg (soon to officially be Daniel)? 2.) Why do want to adopt him? We were simply honest, telling her the story of how we met at Bridgestone and that we fell in love with him and feel like he should be part of our family. She showed us his file and told us a little about his history. My favorite things though, were the pictures! They had 3 pictures of him in his file: the 1st was when he was 5yo & first entered the orphanage (precious!), the 2nd he was probably around 8-10yo (also precious!), and the last looked close to how he looked when we met him a year and a half ago. We can have the photos of him as long as we provide them with a current photo of him to keep on file. I've got to find me a 1 hour photo place around here because I really want those pictures! We go back Thursday, March 14th @ 4pm to pick up our official referral to adopt Daniel! Friday, March 15th, we will travel to the orphanage with our referral and this process will officially be up and running!

This is the sign that used to hang outside the SDA office. They have changed the name of the department now, so the old sign was removed and a new one will go up soon. We seen this sign in so many of our friends' photos, we just had to take a picture of it!

Here is me with Valery in front of St. Michael's Cathedral after the SDA appointment.

After our appointment, Valery needed to go have some copies made. He left us to tour St. Michael's while he ran to do copies. It is so beautiful, pictures don't do it justice.

 

There are murals painted all around the outside of the cathedral. They are amazingly beautiful and intricate.

This is the old chapel. The roof is wooden shingles that look like fish scales. Amazing architecture.

Statue of St. Michael in front of the cathedral entrance.

This is St. Andrew's Church at the opposite end of the same street where St. Michael's is. Valery told us that this was the original city, the two churches and that one road between them.

                              Close up to St. Andrew's Church.

This statue is in the square in front of St. Michael's. The center person is Olga, first woman king of Ukraine.

Fun in the Snow!

One of the things we had most hoped for is that there would still be snow. The girls have never been in the type & amount of snow they have here, so they were so wanting to experience it. God has blessed us with so many things & even this small request he granted us. Not only was there huge amounts of snow on the ground when we arrived, it also snowed very hard the 1st night we arrived as well! This may be the last snow they get this year & the girls got to experience it! Spring is coming on fast here. We arrived Monday, today is Thursday, & the snow is quickly melting in the city. There is still a lot out in the country where Daniel's orphanage is though. So the girls will get to play in the snow a good while longer out there.

Kristina, one of the girls from the orphanage, was having a great time wrestling Hayden down to the ground in the snow. Of course brother, Daniel, was not thrilled that Kristina was rough housing his sister, so he had to rush to her defense!

Daniel's beautiful snow angel! We hardly ever get enough snow in Alabama to do this.

We had an awesome day playing in the snow, but the girls got soaked & were freezing on the way back to the apartment. On the bus ride back to Kiev, Hayden put her hood over her head, only to discover a snow ball was still in it! She had cold, melting snow running down her back!





We were getting worried in the days leading up to the trip. Hayden kept saying she didn't want to come & as the day to leave drew nearer she even began crying about it. There was no way we could get a refund on her plane ticket plus there was no way I was leaving her behind. She acts all tough, but down deep, she's a Mama's girl and I knew she would not be happy without her family. This is one of those once in a lifetime kind of experiences and we weren't going to let her miss it. The plane ride over made things worse. UGH! She couldn't sleep...she couldn't get comfortable...were we ever going to get there? Then we finally arrived & the snow was AMAZING, she saw her brother for the 1st time in a long, long while, & suddenly this was the best place she's ever been. Look at that smiling face above! That is the face of one happy girl! She loves it here. She wants to move here! Both girls love the small village that Daniel lives in and said repeatedly that they'd love to live there. It has been awesome! We have wifi @ the apartment, so in the evenings they catch up with friends on Facebook & talk on Skype, but the rest of the time-there is no cell phone, no TV, & no computer-AND THEY DON'T CARE! I have been thanking God every day for allowing us to share this experience with our daughters. This is a trip none of us will ever forget!

UKRAINE...finally

We packed just a few things! Very different going this trip; staying longer & 3 women going.

  This is a HUGE plane! It has a 2nd story! I have never seen a plane this big, much less flown on one. It was very nice, like all of our flights with Lufthansa have been. The girls were totally amazed & couldn't wait to watch movies on their personal monitors.

We are FINALLY in Kiev! It doesn't seem real! So far everything has been amazing. We arrived Monday, March 11th, and Valery surprised us and took us straight on to the orphanage. We were trying to surprise Daniel, but there were too many little faces peeking out the window. Since we came in December, they all remembered us & immediately began running through the orphanage yelling "Bill! Kim!", so Daniel wasn't too surprised. It felt so good to hug him again!

Sisters & brother reunited @ last!

Our apartment is awesome. It's near Independence Square and walking distance to about anything you could need. There's a McDonald's just across the street & the entrance to the metro (subway) is just steps from our building.

                 
                   View from our balcony.

               Apartment foyer.

                               Bedroom

Kitchen