I am very excited to bring Daniel home & to rejoin the rest of our family, but I'm a little sad too. These last 4 weeks have been great, just the two of us, but I also ache to be with my husband and daughters. I can't wait for our family members to finally meet Daniel in person. They've all spoke with him via Skype, but this will be the first time they will be able to hug him & welcome him into our big, crazy family.
The last 4 weeks have been very much like a honeymoon. We already loved one another, but we've never spent this amount of time together. We're in an exotic location & sharing new experiences together. More new experiences for me than him, since he lives here, but for the 1st time he has been able to see what he wants, rather than being told where & what to do. We've got to know each other better and have become more comfortable being together.
I know his birth mother will always be his 1st love. No matter what circumstances cause the loss of maternal rights, you just can't help but love your birth mother. She brought you into this world & no matter what she's done, you will always prefer to have remained with your birth family. I hope this time with him, one on one, has given him a chance to "fall in love" with me. Just as I think daughters should look to their fathers as an example of their future husbands, I equally believe young men should look to their mothers as examples of their future wives. I pray that I am able to model unconditional love, God's love to Daniel. It's hard to understand God's unconditional love for you if you've never experienced it before. Our parent's are supposed to love us & be that example of God's love in our lives. When they fail to do that, when you are abandoned by the two people who are supposed to love you, how can you truly know what God's love feels like?
In the orphanage, when boys reach a certain age, they are denied physical touch from their female caregivers. This is understandable, because many of the caretakers are single, young women (usually in their 30's) and they don't want even the appearance of inappropriate physical contact.(I know this does happen though) Plus, these young men are starving for love and they don't want to lead them into forming romantic feelings toward their caretakers. It's unfortunate though, we all need appropriate physical touch in our lives to feel loved; hugs, kisses on the cheek, a hand to hold, & a shoulder to cry on. It was difficult at 1st when it was just Daniel & I. I would do normal things, things I do without thought with my daughters, like touch his hair as he falls asleep, touch his hand, etc...and these actions would cause him such distress. This in return caused me much distress. Is he reacting this way because he hasn't had touch in so long or has someone touched him in ways that weren't appropriate?
I felt rejected & I felt angry at the though that someone may have hurt him in this way in the past. But slowly he has initiated more and more touch and I feel so blessed to have his trust. As I woke him up this morning (which is no easy feat!), I sat beside him on his bed and he held my hand. Right now, as I type this, he is lying on the bed next to me playing on his cell phone. It has taken a while, but he is beginning to feel comfortable with me touching him appropriately. It is awesome to look back on how much things have changed, even though it wasn't that awesome actually going through it. Who knew that hugs, holding hands, and mom just touching your hair could be such a big deal? But if you've never had that or it's been a very long time since you've had that, I guess that makes it a really big deal. One thing that has helped us is watching movies. We have watched several movies where loving families are portrayed; The Blind Side, Courageous, We Bought a Zoo, etc... One thing that he pointed out to me, something I didn't really notice I guess because it's so normal to me, is how many times in these movies it showed a mom or dad touching their child's hair as they slept. It gave me a concrete example to use with him. THIS IS AN APPROPRIATE WAY THAT PARENTS EXPRESS LOVE TO THEIR CHILDREN! He got it! It all started to make sense to him. One afternoon last week, he was extremely tired & fell asleep early, around 7:30. Of course, as I went to bed around 12:00, I had to go in & make sure he was still breathing. The next morning he told me he heard me come in & he felt me touch his hair. The difference was, that this time he seemed to take much pleasure in the fact that I had done it. He was happy to know that I had checked on him before I went to bed & he liked that I had touched his head. He felt loved.
I have shared these experiences with my husband. I've talked to him when I was struggling with my own emotions. He has helped me stay focused on Daniel's feelings rather than on my own. I had a wonderful family growing up. My parents were great examples of love in my life. They are about to celebrate 44 years of marriage in June. Daniel hasn't had that. I needed to stop thinking about how everything makes me feel and start thinking only of how Daniel must feel. Thank you Bill, for helping me remain focused on the important work I'm doing here. I'm setting the groundwork for our family in the time I'm spending here, one-on-one with our son. I've began thinking of it as those first few weeks home with a new baby. You're getting to know each other, you're forming those emotional bonds, and even though it's fun & exciting, having a new baby is work. Daniel is by no means a baby, not if you look at him physically, but in an emotional sense, in the sense of family dynamics, he's a newborn. After 10 years in an orphanage, he is having to go back through those steps of development and learn what it means to be part of a family. And not just part of a family, but an American family. Our customs, the way we interact, & the ways we show love for one another are very different than what it's like here in Ukraine.
We leave for the US in the morning. It's time to end this chapter in our new family & start the next- real life. There will now be bedtimes, chores to do, & learning how to live together as a new family of five (plus our sweet Viktor). He will have fights with his sisters about using all the hot water or him leaving the toilet seat up. He will have disagreements with his dad & I about house rules or time limits on playing xBox. I will struggle trying figure out how to cook meals large enough to feed all of us. Two teen aged boys eat A LOT! Bill will worry about meeting our new financial needs for clothing & groceries. But through all that, we will be a family. We will love each other more & more each day. We may not "like" each other everyday, but the love will only grown bigger & bigger.
It's surreal. Tomorrow night, Daniel will sleep in his own bed, in his new home for the 1st time. I feel excited & nervous about starting this new phase in our life. Over the next few days & weeks he will meet his extended family, he will begin to make new friends, attend church with us, learn more English, & I hope, feel more loved than he ever has in his life. It won't always be easy or fun, but it will always be worth it.
Daniel & I taking in the sites.
Officially Daniel Ray Holliday!
I get to see my girls tomorrow
